As I walk through the courtyard opening doors to the Light Bar at the top of Bishopsgate, my friend turns to me and says “We’re on the guestlist”. And as I carefully make my way through the tumultuous mulch - it’s like trying to Ballroom dance through a cow field filled with mines, wearing shoes made from sugar paper – I glance to each of my sides and spend the rest of my wading journey considering ‘Thank Christ’. It’s not that the people on the ground floor (I call them ‘normies’) were SCUM.... because they probably weren’t. It’s just that I particularly enjoyed considering them as such. Head to any Shoreditch bar, and you’ll find the same level of student-sounding wanker, presenting his fucked up philosophy on life as if you’d asked and then seemed incredibly interested in him. You can hardly blame The Light Bar for that. To condemn a venue solely on its setting would be pointless. The review might as well consist of the words ‘The Light Bar – Shoreditch. Toss’. I sit here, rather ill, attempting to finish before the end of my lunch break (11 minutes), so I’m pushed for time yes, but I’m not going to resort to that.

So as I spent my time upstairs in the VIP area, or the cocktail bar, or just the room for people who’ve planned their night further than simply the word+punctuation combination... ‘Beer?’, you could suggest I wouldn’t know what it’s like downstairs. But I reckon I have a fair idea. I mean what’s the difference between that and the guestlist? You can still move in and out of the place easier than a hangover shit. You pay £2 to get upstairs, or you don’t. When you get there, what’s different? It’s still got a bar, still got chairs and sofas and floor.

Everything about the place screams a dispassionate ‘OK’. There’s some new drinks on offer, which I haven’t seen before. But then, that’s because they’re all premium rate, taste about the same as the others, at double the price. I can’t really remember what the music was, but it’s probably some sort of generic bar/club DJ’d nonsense. It didn’t offend my senses too much – which was a surprise. But then it didn’t make me want to get up and groove either (which is something I do a lot).  It sort of... made me comfortable to stand there, with it in the background. Like an ugly, but well behaved child. I don’t really want to talk, or interact with you in any way. But at least you’re not annoying me. I’m completely disinterested about you being here.

DRINK SELECTION: There’s the usual guff, plus a little extra. But more often you’ll just stick to your usual tipple. ***

COST OF A ROUND: Two drink round, barely change from £10. Terrible. *

STAFF: I was surprised to see only one person working the upstairs bar, despite housing around 100 people. It doesn’t take too long to get served, but longer than it should. ***

FOOD: The Bar menu cuts out at 19:30, and the stuff on there seems pretty standard and pricey. **

SKIRT RATIO: Too many ladies wearing too much make up and not enough clothing for my tastes, but it seems a friendly atmosphere. ***

Overall: Nothing special. Drinks are pricey, costs you a LOT to get drunk. But there’s space to move around, music’s not as bad as most and it’s got a good vibe. Plus you can get in without having to bribe a bouncer. ***

The Light Bar - Shoreditch - Brought to you by James Wormald -