Be warned, this place is pretty darn posh. For example, Mr. Nathan ‘Flash Bastard’ Camponi is but one regular. That’s enough said really. Although maybe he’s getting better, I visited the ale-house (don’t be fooled by the name) this past week with young Nate, and during the evening, I was horrified to spot what attached to his ear every 5 seconds? Not an iPhone, nor a BlackBerry, not even some kind of Samsung, or htc effort that people don’t actually buy. But some shit Nokia thing. I looked down at the table, stunned... and my eyes caught sight of his sunglasses. I looked for the tiny (but big enough for everyone to recognise) RayBan signature on the right lens, or PRADA symbol on the ear hook... but couldn’t find it. I picked them up for a closer look, and they were flimsier than Raoul Moat’s defence case. We even told him to meet us in the Glasshouse, which he seemed all right with. Alarm bells were ringing. At this point, I’m pretty sure he’s lost his job.

The story is, that he was in the Glasshouse, ‘enjoying’ drinking his £2 pint (like I can believe that), when a drunken (this is at 16:00) Canadian lady enters. The landlord at first refuses to serve her. But when she persists, and is served by someone else, he jumps (climbs) out of the front (open) window. After upsetting all the customers, including Nathan himself by performing a pole dance, without a pole, in front of him, she is told in no uncertain terms, to sling all of her hooks. ‘I’ll just finish my pint’ she says, but before she’s allowed to drink any, fills the glass (and bar, and floor) with vomit. A lot of vomit. This is when he sacks it in and heads to The Old Coffee House.

So you see it is posh! It’s where picky posh people go, when they don’t want to see drunken women puking in pint glasses. It’s an ‘Industry’ place too. As we’re in Soho that means people in film and advertising. But that doesn’t matter too much. You rarely get unavoidably sucked into a neighbour’s conversation. So the guy stood next to you can talk as much shit as he likes, what do you care? The place is filled with brown, and if not ‘old’ at least ‘olding’ men. It’s like a training pub for men on their way to retirement. When they actually retire, they’ll have to settle for the proper old mans of the world (like the Glasshouse), but for now, whilst they’ve still got money, still don’t mind listening to some music, or can bare to watch muted cricket without moaning their hearing aids out, this is the place for them.

Drinks are obviously pricier than the Glasshouse, but pretty good compared to everywhere else. Lager is rarely over £3, Bulmers under £4. They’ve got proper crisps and nuts, and the landlord is a friendly fellow. Always behind the bar himself (I’ve never been served by anyone else), which gives the bar a really friendly, approachable atmosphere. It’s important to feel confident when approaching a bar. You have to feel you won’t be laughed at ordering an Appletiser and Quavers.

BEER SELECTION: Lager drinkers seemed to like their choices. Magners or Bulmers Cider. Crabbie’s Ginger Beer, and proper crisps make it a winner for me. *****

COST OF A ROUND: Just less than £10 for three drinks make it just about better than most others. ****

STAFF: Landlord only person I’ve seen behind the bar. Never gets too busy. Pleasure to wait at the bar, which is a change. *****

FOOD: No idea, but good snacks. ***

SKIRT RATIO: Soho Industry types (meaning mostly men). The music isn’t loud, but it drowns them out nicely so they won’t bother you. **

Overall: The lack of Skirt is the only thing (statistically) letting it down. But it’s not that kind of place. It’s a lunch pub, or a first few before dinner pub at the most. Perfect for that. *****

The Old Coffee House - Soho - Brought to you by James Wormald -