Reviewing a pub/bar/club/restaurant is no easy task. Sure, it looks like a piece of piss from that rather tall horse you’re on I agree. But no. The actual real, reality of it, is it’s not. I mean apart from having different names, they’re all completely different. Some nights can require attending all 4 of them. You don’t need to go to more than one place just because you get itchy feet. You can’t go bursting in to a club first thing. You’ve got to ease yourself into it with a nice relaxing pub first. Cheap drinks, sit down (if you get there early enough), helps you leisurely ‘get a taste for it’. If you do start early enough, then unless you’re Nick and like to make up silly rules for no reason other than a stupid grudge the size of a cow against restaurants, you’ll want to eat at some juncture. Then from about 10, either the food will be finished, or the pub will be too full and tiring, and you’ll want to move on to a bar. Either to get your dance on, or you just want a livelier atmosphere until 2am. Come closing, you might even want to stay out, in which case you’ll consider hitting a club suitable enough to carry on the party until daylight hours.

Such a full evening as this is reasonably rare sure, but for a good night you might require all of four these, and you need to know which ones are good and which are shit. All have different purposes. The Purple Turtle’s purpose is none of these. It’s a new kind of bar, previously unfeatured on these hallowed html pages. It’s a pure, unadulterated, gig venue. That’s very important. You really must remember that in order to get any enjoyment from it whatsoever.

If I were to review The Purple Turtle in the normal way, drinks choice, price, staff, atmosphere, design, clientele, then things would go very badly. There’s not much choice. Only the very much bog standard options available, one or two of everything. Everything in a plastic cup. The price doesn’t really reflect that either at £3-£4 per drink. Drinks can be seen as a metaphor for the place in general too. You pay £5 to get in, and you’re met with a grimy, noisy, smelly dump of a place. It looks like it’s been fire damaged the day before, but still opening illegally. The staff look like they’ve come straight from the Great Depression, all black and white, and moody like. Whilst the majority of punters are pretty quiet, keeping themselves to themselves, petrified of moving in case they stand on anyone’s toes.

But I’m not reviewing it in the normal way, like a normal pub, because it’s not one. It’s a gig pub. You’re rarely if never going to be there when there’s not some sort of loud, angsty, and thrashy guitar 4 piece up on stage, filling the place with enough teenage hormones for a whole series of Dawson’s Creek. I don’t really enjoy the sounds of these types of bands sadly, so then, why have I even been there? There is one more reason (apart from seeing a band) you might want to visit The Purple Turtle. If you’re in Camden of a Saturday night, it’s half eleven and the pub kicks you out, you wander around, not really that drunk, still enough energy to continue your night, but all the pubs are shut, and all the bars are either full or closing, all the clubs are too expensive. There is one place you can go. One place that is guaranteed not to be full, will not charge more than £5 to get in, and will stay open until 2-3am... That is The Purple Turtle’s selling point. Unless you’re there for a gig, it’s not that nice a place to be, but it does serve booze, and it will stay open when not that many people are there.

BEER SELECTION: Poor. You’ve only really got one option once you’ve chosen the type of drink you want. *

COST OF A ROUND: Not too pricey, but not that cheap either. Overall, you don’t get what you pay for. **

STAFF: They look pretty moody types. Eardrums are probably blown. Because there’s a loud thrashy band playing, you need cue cards to dial in your order. **

FOOD: What are you gonna do, jump into the moshpit with a chicken and mushroom penne? No. No food. *

SKIRT RATIO: Well, if you’re either grunge, emo, indie, or one of those other ones. Then choose your night well, and you could clean up. If not, then I wouldn’t attach hope. ***

Overall: If you’re going to see a band you like, it’s great. The acoustics are good, it’s loud, vibrating, dirty, sweaty, people get involved, brilliant. If not, I wouldn’t bother. Even if it’s the only place open, and you desperately want another drink, it’s not worth it. You won’t even want to finish that one. ***

The Purple Turtle - Camden - Brought to you by James Wormald -