I’ve not done many reviews in Shoreditch. But the area has easily been in the top 5 for Saturday night destinations over the past few years, and it’s still rising. After all, it’s a place where you’ve got pubs, cafés, lounges, curry houses, bars, and clubs, all on the one street. It’s like Disneyland for Pete Doherty! However sadly because of the immense choice, it should be easier to find somewhere better than Monty’s.

It doesn’t do food. This isn’t a bad thing, it just doesn’t. It’s a bar. Plus it’s surrounded by 80% of the best and cheapest average London-Geeezer restaurants in town. So what would be the point in even trying? The best thing about bars doing food, is you don’t have to move from the place you are, then back again, losing your table/spot for the trouble. Brick Lane reduces the sacrifice. Like Rats, wherever you stand, you’re always 6 foot away from a place to get some grub.

So what does Monty’s offer? Drinks, Music, Atmosphere?

Well yes, they offer drinks… You can get your tap or bottled beer of course. Only bottled Magners for Cider-lovers, and no Bitter whatsoever. Wine and spirits are a given. And they apparently have got a cocktail menu, although I never saw one. So if you like beer, you’re in luck. You can get one quite cheap too, from just £3 a bottle. Sadly only around 0.03% of the population actually do like it. The rest just pretend they do to look good. If you’re comfortable enough with yourself to drink what you think tastes good, then you’ll pay for it. A round of two Magners and one (single) Vodka and Lemonade, is exactly £15! How does that work?!

The place had some music on too. It wasn’t to my taste, but then the kind of stuff these youngsters like rarely is. Worryingly, it didn’t seem to be to anyone else’s either. Am I missing the point? No one dancing, no one singing along, no one even shutting up so as they can hear the music. Do you think the point is for the music to just create background atmospheric sound, for people to talk over? Possibly. The seating plan doesn’t leave much room for imaginative movement anyways, if a good song did come on, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. But then if I’m supposed to talk over it, why do they play it so loud? I can only talk to the person stood right next to me. To be fair, there was a dance floor in a back room, with some different music, and I never went in there. Only a handful of people did, but it didn’t seem like they were enjoying themselves.

Looking at it from a different angle, one of the reasons there were so few people on the dance floor and in the place all together, is that it was quite early. I had to leave early around 22:00, so I can’t blame the place too much. But if I hadn’t had to, I’d have wanted to leave anyway. In fact the people I left there, did get off after just one more drink. Being there, it just doesn’t instil the idea of a big night out. Some places’ atmosphere can really make you ‘get a taste for it’. You want to stay out, you want another drink, or at least go to another bar, or on to a club. If you start off in one of these places, a small pub, and feel like you’re in the mood for a big night, hit a curry house, then on to a bar… don’t choose Monty’s. It’ll suck all the life right out of your night and all you’ll want is to watch the Friday Night With Jonathan Ross repeat with a hot cup of cocoa.

BEER SELECTION: Of course you get bottled and tap lagers, wines, and spirits. But not much of anything else. Basic Pub minimum. *

COST OF A ROUND: £3.00 bottle of lager doesn’t seem bad. But the £15 round tells the real story. **

STAFF: Only need 2 on a Sat night it’s so dead. The least they could do is serve me quickly. But they can’t. *

FOOD: No food. *

SKIRT RATIO: You’re not in the mood, they’re not in the mood. What’s the point? *

OVERALL: Expensive drinks, no opportunity for conversation, dark lighting, and leather sofas mean men with no imagination bringing dates. Everyone else, avoid. *

Monty’s -Brick Lane - Brought to you by James Wormald -