My 2 Pints
I’ve had a few complaints of London Me Up not quite being classy enough for some tastes… the My 2 Pints homepage spells it all… LMU drinking holes? Soho old-man boozers. Doesn’t quite signify the young hot-shot high-flyers we often pretend to be when on the pull does it. So here’s one especially for the toffs. You can’t get much classier than a classy £10 a drink bar in swanky Chelsea can you? Not without selling your soul to either the Mafia, or worse still the Advertising Industry to get into the Groucho Club.
I’m not even gonna stop there either. For this isn’t simply a review of the bar. Why would I bother with that? Who wants to be drinking in a bar with a bunch of working-class plebs? People without enough money to claim they’re better than you that’s who! Well that’s not us. No, this is a review, solely of the V.I.P area.
Eclipse is actually a pretty good place to start actually; seeing as you can quite easily get into the V.I.P area (even on a Friday night) simply by booking a small table just a week before hand. They’ll take anyone too, you don’t have to have letters in front of your name of nuffink! As long as you can work a phone, you’re in.
As we’ve discussed, the drinks prices are pretty high. Trendy cocktail = £10. Expensive wines = £8 Glass £20 Bottle. Champagne = £50 Bottle. Spirits = £10-£15 a shot, no mixers. Last time I was there, Nick and I went for cocktails, because we’re just pretending we nurse a couple of them the whole night and act like we’re happy about it. Gazz opts for one bottle of wine. Same price = more booze, but Gazz hates wine. Meanwhile Hoss goes all in for the £50 Champers, claiming it will last him ‘all-night’. In reality it lasts half an hour, and we end up with a VERY drink Hoss.
The next question then, SURELY must be what exactly about the place makes them think they can get away with charging such high prices? To which I don’t really have an answer. In the V.I.P area there are just small tables, quite close together. I could be sat at a table in the local wetherspoons, I’d have come back with £8 change from my note. For £10, I’d expect my table to have a naked lady on it. Upside down. In the area kindly dedicated to the poor people, there’s a lot more space. Bigger tables, wider bar and dance area. All these are filled with 3 times too many people. This leaves you taking sips of your drink without actually moving your arms; not easy.
This begs the question… what IS the point? The first and most obvious advantage is in the V.I.P area. When you walk up to that door, quote your name to a man bigger than King Kong and twice as ugly; he looks at his sheet, and it’s actually bloody well on there! I tell you what there’s nothing like it, you feel like a big man then oh yes! It’s like wearing a hat whilst eating steak, chopping wood and shooting a gun, then disposing of a spider in front of a shrieking girl after putting up a shelf. Whilst stood in the rain!
It’s nice, I’ll give them that. To be sat on the clean side of the rope. Stand on the other side and look through for too long you’ll be kicked in the bollocks and thrown in with the glass bins for your trouble. But it’s not quite worth it for me. Plus once that actual enjoyment of simply being there has worn off, you’re still just sat, hunched over a small table worrying about the £3 the last sip just cost you. The only real advantage I can think of in which it really makes sense, the only situation where looking like the big man and everyone treating you like royalty is really worth £100 for a shit night.
Of course I’m talking about a date. You’ve been out with a girl a few times. She seems to like you well-enough, she’s flirting away, body language is good. But somehow by the end of the night you’re left in the same position. Cock-in-hand, cranking like you’re pumping for oil in the Antarctic. Good thing about Eclipse, especially the V.I.P area, is if anything’s going to loosen this girl’s underwear, then this will be it.
But really, in all honesty, if you’re going out with a girl, who’ll only agree to sleep with you after you’ve effectively begged her to by spending 1 week’s wages on her, why do you want to be with her at all? You might as well just spend your money on a high-class hooker. At least in that instance everyone clear and up front about what’s going on, and you don’t end up feeling emptier than your pockets.
BEER SELECTION: No Beer. Nice Spirits but no mixers. Good cocktails - **
COST OF A ROUND: £20-£30 - *
STAFF: Reasonably friendly, little weary if it’s obviousy you’re only buying 1 drink every 2 hours - ***
FOOD: Available in V.I.P area. Recession denyingly expensive - **
SKIRT RATIO: Plenty. All horsey posh girls, for whom Prince Harry would be a ‘bit of rough’ - *
Overall: *
Eclipse - Chelsea - Brought to you by James Wormald -