Another of my work locals. I can’t think of more than three Vauxhall pubs you can visit without being forcibly removed by a chair to the face. Thankfully this review is not doubling as a police report, The Rose is the third.

It’s a trendy wine bar version of a local. There’s a substantial and fairly affordable cocktail menu. Seems fitting when you think of the place trying to mix the run-down, crack addled areas of Vauxhall with the swanky hotels, banks, and… er… strip clubs on the opposite side.

The venue sits with its back to the former, standing proudly on the edge of the south embankment, looking out onto the river and the city as if stalking the in-crowd it’s so desperately trying to be a part of.

It’s a nice place, don’t get me wrong. Cosy, friendly atmosphere with only a slight hum of pretention (not bad for a place with a cocktail menu as long as any city bar toilet line of coke. Not too full on a weeknight. Upstairs bar, great views over the river. All seems good. But much like a sexy girl who no one’s really into – she most definitely knows it.

Sitting proudly in its corner, The Rose seems too easy. Characterless. It’s got all the ingredients for a great pub, but it feels like it’s just followed Delia Smith and done what she’s told them. A pub should have heart, it should have soul, it should be a little bit quirky, should have worked its way up and struggled for respect. But this hasn’t.

Touch pricier than The Lavender down the road, but pretty standard London prices, pre 19:00 happy hour is where it’s at with half price (£4) cocktails, and still seating of a weeknight (except Fridays or Thursdays). (Or most Wednesdays). Staff aren’t extremely talented with one of those twizzly things and that curved wotsit they use to stop the ice going in the drink, but they try their best and don’t moan when provided a full list of requirements like you’re in a Starbucks.

Music isn’t particularly threatening. You don’t realise it’s there, but you don’t realise it’s not – which I suppose is the point. If you’re wanting to get your talk on, you don’t want to be having to shout at the top of your lungs, bitching about your bastard boss, just as the jukebox changes and he’s stood right behind you. Similarly you don’t want a conversation constantly interrupted by the words

‘Oh hang on a minute, I love this one… ..re maaaa wund. Errrrrrr waaawwwwwwwwl’.

I’m not really giving the place a bad review. These are the facts, and they’re all pretty good. It’s just, whenever I get in there, I get a drink and sit down, and I instantly think ‘bit shit in here isn’t it. I should’ve just gone home’.

BEER SELECTION: Go before 7, and go for cocktails. Not worth much else. ***

COST OF A ROUND: Cocktails £10-£15 at the right time. ***

STAFF: Practised, but not as talented as you’d like. But enthusiastic, and you get what you pay for. ****

FOOD: Gastro territory at lunchtimes including semi-legendary sausage sandwich and 1st class Fish & Chips. ****

SKIRT RATIO: Brodeo. It’s an after-work pub anyway, you’re not going to talk to anyone not from your building. *

OVERALL: As I say, the elements are there, generally average kind of place, little pricey for me, but serves nice drinks. Personally I’d give it **, but that would be unfair – it’s become the new local, there has to be a reason for it. ***

The Rose - Vauxhall - Brought to you by James Wormald -