Events

Leeds Festival ’04 - Brought to you by James Wormald -

When preparing for an occasion with so many endless possibilities as the infamous annual Leeds Festival, certain factors must come into consideration. I urge all you listeners to contemplate the facts, this momentous occasion is essentially 4 days with only what you take on the first of these days, to survive by. This is, (think about it) in a location, with countless numbers of 13,14,15,16 year olds. Fresh from school, fully prepared to celebrate passing their A levels, GCSEs, or if you’re really lucky, S.A.T 11+s! There are, many items essential to this experience, however perhaps THE most important of items to remember is this guide of survival. (Either that or the chloroform).


Stage 1: Packing


As previously mentioned, you pack what you will need for the coming days. Just as important as packing what you need, is not packing useless items that’ll only get wasted. Like condoms. Pah! (Not like they’re gonna have any choice in the matter anyway). Lets start with the basics, the tent. This year, my tent was THE mouldiest tent you’ve seen in your life! Due to it not being dried properly after the last time it was used. Even worse than the French tents must have been in WWII (Lazy bastards!) Of course, with a mouldy ass tent, you’ve got to think about the kind of 14 year old first timers its going to attract! None! That’s who!


Baby wipes I’ll advise are always a good way to go. You’re not gonna be showering for 4 days. Now, my body’s used to that (and if you’ve been following my previous survival guides, so will yours) but at least keep up the pretence of showering every day with a quick baby wipe down every morning (No pun intended) (Just pointed out).


Many spare lynx cans are always a lot of fun. Not for hygiene/dryness purposes. But for the last night, when every fucker there is starting his own bastard fire, screaming for more gas canisters to throw on. Then dancing round it like a twat… Well, like a twat on fire. Then hopefully soon after, like a twat on fire with a thousand shards of metal in his face!


Stage 2: Free Shit


Leeds festival is an advertisers dream! Thousands of young flesh, just ripe, ready to be picked. Like a smooth, fresh, juicy little peach! Mmmm. Er! So… It’s a great opportunity to force you to try stuff. I could market the new Nestle ‘Shit’ bar there, and they’d love it because it’s the only thing they’ve eaten in 3 days that hasn’t cost them £4 for something that’s essentially 40% phlegm. I’ll warn you now, take full advantage of the free shite. Find out what and where it is on the first day, and look out for it every other day. I survived 2 days just on 150ml cans of ice tea, and Mars delights.


Stage 3: The Crowd


As well being used by many as a vital method of keeping warm at the festival (anyway you can), the mosh pit can also by quite fun for some people. The only tip for the mosh pit I can give you is not to pussy into it. The harder you go in, the better off you come out. Just try and get those elbows as high as they’ll go. The way I see it, go in hard and whoever you contact is gonna come off worse, then just fall away. Soon being deemed harmless to everyone there except themselves.


More importantly, the place you want to be is just in front of the pit. Now, it can get a little cramped in this area, but its still better than right at the front. The only problem you’re gonna encounter in this area, is you’re sure to fins yourself stuck behind some fat, sweaty 13 year old ginger tosser, with long curly hair. That somehow manages to follow you everywhere and stick itself to your face! The only way to stop falling into this trap is to scope out the crowd early on (when you still have room to swing your cock (don’t even bother with the fucking cat!)) Find yourself a nice little thin girl. Because girl’s sweat less than boys, and thin people sweat a shedload less than fat lasses, you’re not gonna be half as uncomfortable. Plus, because they’re small you can see over them, and don’t have to eat the dreaded dreadlock! My problem with this is getting pushed from behind. Now, obviously its not as bad getting forced to share the same air space as a small lady than a fat freak, but its still not nice forcing her tits out her back. The way I work round this is to, instead of pushing her, place your hands on the back of the guy in front of her. Whenever you get pushed, push that cock. This, in turn will result in you both having a lot more room. Whilst you’re at it, you might want to try and push everyone around her under the pretence that she’s only little, she’s getting crushed! Poor little thing. No real reason for this, its just fun isn’t it?


Stage 4: Ways To Impress 16yr Olds


And finally, you’re almost ready to tackle the might of the greatest festival in the world. All there is to leave you with, is a short, simple list that’s going to stick in your mind. If you’re ever stuck for options with a young girl. Your knowledge on ‘The Tweenies’ has reached it’s peak, and you just cant remember the name of that new destiny’s child album.


1.Don’t shave for a few days before hand, to show off your ‘amazing’ ability to grow a ‘real beard’! Unless you’re like Gazz and can only grow pussy little tufts after a month, buy a fake beard and stick to dark areas.

2.Boast about just how many of the ‘So Solid Crew’ you can name, in some sort of weird pubescent ‘Wipeout’ game. Remember that? With Monkhouse? That was class! Leg-End! Bless him!

3.Show all the little bastards once and for all that you CAN drink a whole bottle cap of vodka! Try not to let them notice you disappear for 20 minutes.

  1. 4. Get out the mobile, and lay down the gauntlet for some kind of texting challenge. For words per minute. This of course takes practice and training. (the little cocks are quite fast) They text well too!

  2. 5. Finally, if all else fails, its time to bring out the big guns. Whip out your toy and show them whose boss! The green ranger truly was the greatest ranger! Even if he did have stupid hair.