Events
Hooker Me Up: Prague - Brought to you by Gazz Wood -
My old friend, commonly known as Nich Maney and actually known as Nick O’Mahoney, has decided that he’s gonna get married. Citing reasons such as ‘She’s the blow job queen’, he asked her to marry him. She said yes, so there’s gonna be a wedding. Of course if there’s a wedding and the groom has at least one friend there should be a best man. He is not me. He is the man they call Hoss. Hoss ‘Ross’ Gilbert was chosen and, according to the rules, he has to get some sort of stag night together. Working on the principal that if you’re gonna do something, do it right and do it for the whole weekend, we went to Prague.
The fact that Nick’s getting married prevents me from going into any sort of specific detail on some of the things that happened over the weekend. I can say that we started off in good old Nottingham town. Straight to Hooters. Tonight was the start, since a couple of people couldn’t make the Prague Off, they were out tonight to say a farewell to Nick before he has to spend the rest of his life looking at carpet samples and driving to Homebase to get shelves. Nick’s Dad and brother, Ginger Dames, popped out, as well as his Grandad. Who laughed at dirty jokes and watched porn on a video phone. I wish I was old, when I do stuff like that it’s filth, when he does it it’s charming. Bastard. Then we had Nevis and Pussell (the Amazing Chin-Boy) with his Billy Ray-Syrus style mullet. I couldn’t resist razzling Puss about his mullet, since it was 03 Fabulous and the rest of us were 05 Funkylicious. Also he wasn’t sharing his curly fries and I was starving.
Someone suggested Senoritas, which is an upscale gentlemen’s club near Isis in Nottingham, so off we go in our minibus taxi. Nick spent the entire time with his eyes closed, praying, while the rest of us got lap dances from one or two of the particularly lovely girls they have there. I recommend Erica, she’s friendly without seeming too forced and also she has fantastic boobs. Oh dead God yes. Puss had to leave Senoritas after he was subject to the seldom heard, but much feared, Stripper Jip. The stripper in question had jipped Puss about his girlfriend being ginger and he’d got the mards on and gone home. Foolish boy. It was around this time that someone bought us free champagne so, charging our glasses, we quaffed champagne and enjoyed the free stage shows as and when they occurred. Marvellous.
The time was slipping away and eventually we had to leave Senoritas, sad though we were to do it, our flight was in about 4 hours and we hadn’t slept or anything. Back at Nick’s we grabbed a section of floor each and got an hours kip. Sleeping on the floor under a towel is something I would learn to get used to over the next few nights, since I’d not booked a room at the hostel and the place was now full till Sunday. I put a deposit down on Sunday, 38p no less, and resolved to get down on the floor or try and chuck in with some general travellers we may come across.
At the airport it became readily apparent that I wasn’t the only one who was disorganised. Young Gav, or Crutchy Crutch to give him his 80s Rap Star name, had booked his flight for the 10th, the day before the rest of us. I’d have taken the piss more but I did the exact same thing, caught it, and paid 50 quid odd to correct the mistake. The chance of Gav flying with us was dwindling and secretly I wanted him to fail so I could have his bed. The staff suggested he wait till a few minutes before check in, in case of no shows. While he waited we went and got some much needed fried breakfast in the departures lounge. Not bad really, fried bread was a bit like cardboard and all the drinking from the night before was giving me proper stomach jip. In a true shitty movie style, Gav made it through just as we were about to board the plane. It was all very emotional and it upset me so I’m gonna gloss over it and go straight to the first bar. Having chucked our stuff in the Apple Hostel, we ventured into the streets and found that every bar on Nick’s fact sheet of Prague was either closed, gone or gutted for refurbishment. Failing to get into any place on the sheet we went to a Sports Bar. One old bloke, one tap, a TV showing Brazilian soap operas and a couple of slot machines in the back does not make a sports bar. Beer was cheap mind so we went for it. Or rather everyone else did. The Hooters/Senoritas experience was still causing me issues, even after I’d been sick about 3 times I could not for the life of me finish my pint. I felt that food would be the answer to settling my girly stomach. We wander forth to Tretters, great little place near the old city square and the food was uber cheap. Ordered me a steak and a beer, lovely. Cept I couldn’t eat it. Couldn’t drink my pint. Couldn’t be sick because the toilets were simply too posh. I was out for the day and promised to drink on the Saturday.
That night we hung around in the lounge of the Hostel, meeting some interesting folk. The Australian, Dean, and his Californian buddy, Danny, were pretty funny. We got them to play Roxanne, a musical drinking game. They fucked off to the Roxxi and we fucked off to the Cabaret Pussy DeLuxe. Yes Yes. Strip Club Number One of the Prague visit. The place was pretty small for a strip club and, since I wasn’t drinking, I didn’t have to pay the 200Kc for a bottle of lager. Now to put that into context, the lager at the Sports Bar was 65Kc for a pint, so 200 of the bastards is a fair whack for one bottle. Sitting near the stage I got a great view of all the Czech girls doing their dance, and to be honest they were a bit lazy. The Senorita girls were climbing the poles and spinning and all sorts, putting some real effort in. These Communist Minxes were just coming on and getting undressed. Not much of a show. Least not till the Goth looking one rubbed her nipples in my face. Then we realised we weren’t in Nottingham anymore. You can touch the girls there, for free sometimes! A truly wondrous place. Sloyd and Elmer had made a deal to go Anal Crazy over the weekend, which means that if they went with a hooker they were gonna go Anal on her, since they were paying and everything. On leaving the club this huge black dude informed us that for a mere 3000Kc we could go crazy bombastic with one of 70 girls for an hour. A bloody hour! Ross was delirious with excitement and lead us on a merry dance around Prague, stopping only to throw coins at a man who was knelt down praying to a small Styrofoam coffee cup. Eventually we ended up back where we’d begun and noticed a couple of places nestled into an alley. It was to become a theme of the weekend.
In the first place, who’s name I didn’t get, they had a dancer on a table at the front and popcorn on every other table. The bar man seemed mightily pissed off about something, specially when I ordered orange juice. The first dancer didn’t put any effort into her routine at all, which is why it came as a relief that the second dancer was all business. She had moves, specifically timed and practiced to go with the beat. She was serious about dancing and didn’t mind who knew it. The first girl got onto another table, at the back of the room, and the two had a You Got Served style dance battle across the bar. Best Man Ross, Master of Ceremonies, lead us next to the Biggest Music Club in Middle Europe. 7 differently themed floors of music and dancing, only 200Kc to get in. I immediately lost everyone in that place, everyone apart from Gav. Settling in to not drinking I found myself a table and spent most of that night making fun of the newly discovered EuroChav. A EuroChav is basically the same as a regular chav, only they’re a few years behind. They look like a cross between gypsies and a Kappa mannequin, if you can imagine that. Far from being the biggest music club, this place seemed a lot like the biggest youth club, with everyone who wasn’t a tourist being about 16 years old. The other lads met some girls from Derby, small world, and razzled them till they got bored. Ross was lost for the entire night and Sloyd was impatient with the place all together. Nick and Elmer scaled the dizzy heights of the club and finally reached the summit, touching it for posterity then coming back down the basement, where Gav and I were, to get us. We fucked off and I kipped on the floor.
Next day I awoke, stiff as fuck but not feeling sick anymore. After grabbing a sly shower in the slightly homoerotic shared cubicle of the hostel, we got back out on the town and ended up at an Australian bar. I say Australian, it was called the Koala and had two flags in the windows, but other than that it was just a Czech brown pub. To be fair the barmaid was fit as anything and the food was huge for the money. Elmer had the double portion of egg and bacon, which amounts to 6 eggs and a bunch of bacon, while everyone else was content with a single portion. Everyone except Best Man Ross and Honorary Best Man Me. We plumped for single portion BBQ Ribs, and it’s a good job we said single because judging by the 40 or so ribs we got each, a double portion may have killed us. Sloyd made a cock out of some bread, which didn’t take much doing because it already had kind of a bell end on it. Elmer fashioned a jap’s eye with a knife (two words you don’t want in the same sentence) and we all had four or five pints to settle us down.
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