I don’t recall anyone suggesting a party on the horizon until arriving at the couple’s place. I call them a couple because they regularly argue about things that have no bearing on anything whatsoever. In fact, most of their arguments are mutations of issues they are both fully in control of, and fully agree upon. If you ever have the pleasure of being in the company of this dysfunctional duo do not attempt to mediate. This my friends is them at their happiest, as they sling their wits like two chimps and one cup.
 
And thus ends the pleasantries.
 
They caught me off guard due to two reasons, and two reasons only. I was originally supposed to attend an all you can eat buffet before arriving at their flat. My plan was a simple one; eat all I can, and then head to theirs and drink all I can. It was iPod simple. So when I arrived at Stratford prepared for a buffet I was far from impressed to be told that the celebrant hadn’t even left her house yet. I’m not the kind of guy you leave waiting in matters pertaining to food… so I called up James and asked if I could swing by ahead of schedule. And there you have my first slip up... heading to an all you can drink evening on an empty stomach.
 
Granted, the couple did in tandem make hot dogs that I gratefully wolfed down at the cost of having to grin my way through at least three more arguments centred on the making of hot dogs. But ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages… I’m 6 feet and 2 inches tall on a short day, and hadn’t eaten a thing in anticipation of a buffet that was never to be. All the hot dogs did was distract my hunger long enough for me to start drinking.
 
Somewhere between assembling hot dogs, dismembering hot dogs, and having the honour of watching Gazz play GTA4 (what a host), I was brought up to speed on this Power Hour game. Hell yeah I was in – my second slip up. Any drinking game you walk into spontaneously will devour you whole and spit you up like the chunks Gazz left floating in the bog.
 
Enter Nick. They say the Devil wears Prada, but what they don’t tell you is that he also sports a hobo-esq beard. Think Colin Farrell on benefits. It was game on in a matter of minutes. You could tell the man was a pro as he took over the room in minutes assembling equipment nonchalantly whilst simultaneously fully engaged in the group’s attempt at fusing Doritos with movie titles.
 
Fist Full of Doritos
Children of the Cornchips
Tangy Cheese and Cash
One Night at McCool and Original’s
 
A shot of cider every 30 seconds? ‘That’s piss easy’ I thought. And it was! There was singing, laughing, air guitar, table banging, an oil spill, and some sort of airline strike, all in the space of an hour! I just couldn’t figure why James didn’t want to get in on it.
 
…the next part is difficult to write up. My arm was raised in victory... someone put on a shit driving game... I woke up with bear ears on me, amongst other things. Why do these guys have bear ears? I know bears that don’t even have bear ears! But these guys…
 
With all I’ve learnt what I really want is not revenge (as I found the pics quite funny), but a chance to defend my title! Yes I won? But I didn’t go out on top like Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather. It was closer to an ‘Iron’ Mike Tyson exit. ‘You were ferocious in your day, but now we just think you’re funny.’
 
In the famous words of Sylvester Stallone in Die Hard V, ‘I’ll be back.’