Is the thought of another Valentine’s Day getting you down? Sat in a filthy towelling robe in front of a two-hour Snog Marry Avoid? marathon special, constantly scratching your balls like they’re a Jackpot scratchcard and you’ve already got two pots of gold? All the dumb-ass, greedy, money spinning media attention around the fake ‘Hallmark Holiday’, including thousands of Valentine’s Specials, all (let’s face it) nothing more special than a few mentions of Cupid, roses, and everything in fucking pink?

Let me catch my breath…

Is all that just forcing you to stand up, shed the TV glaze from your eyes and see clearly again? Do you want for nothing more than to replace the X-Box control pad in your hands, which you’ve mastered to oh so delicately allow you to kill a thousand Iraqis with just one clip, with the soothing warmth of a lady’s bottom? Well what the FUCK are you going to do about it?!

Well this is my point (other than to make you feel bad [or good] about yourself). What can you do about it? Sure you want to meet someone, everyone does. You want to meet someone who’s going to sweep you off your feet (men may take this a little less literally than women, but the concept’s still there), you want to be blown away. Well unfortunately you can’t make this happen. I don’t believe in ‘One True Love’. I don’t believe in ‘Fate’ (where love is concerned), I don’t believe in destiny, or ‘Love at first sight’. I believe that some people can have this feeling ten times a day, whilst others may feel they never have, and never will have it.

Their likelihood is to do with their outlook, but let’s move off that. Because although I do believe it’s down to them how often they feel this, I don’t think anyone’s in a position to change themselves. Only one thing can be taken as infallible. No matter how many people it may take to get through before you find one you think is right, your chances of finding one, are higher, the more people you meet. That’s simple maths. Having said that, it’s not an exact science. I’m not talking about forcing everyone sharing a birthday to stand in a room on their 18th, boys one side, girls the other. Then have a voting system where the most popular boy picks his favourite girl, then vice versa, and so on until the two most hideous uggos head home, linking bear claws, to a lifetime of Jeremy Kyle appearances (although it would be a hell of a lot simpler). But if this isn’t viable, then what are the options?

Nightlife

This is the usual, perceivably most common way of meeting someone. You see them in a bar, chat them up (or get chat up), number close, then call for a date. Simple, straight up Swingers, The Game: 101. But how true really is this perception? In my entire romantic life (granted I started late) from all of my ‘conquests’ – and believe me there aren’t many, only one happened like this. And that was only through (to my discredit, and ultimate, ultimate shame, kids) copious amounts of alcohol, then a few shots. I fear in fact that the perception of the easiest way of meeting someone being when you’re both at you loosest, with your guard (and sometimes pants) down, is true. If people were to answer honestly, how many do you think could say they’ve never first-kissed anyone sober? Could you? That’s an incredibly shocking personal statistic. I know we’ve got a traditional boozy culture on our proud little isle, but is this really a good foundation on which to meet a life-long partner? Well no it’s not, that’s a stupid question. So what are the other options?

Speed Dating

Never been speed dating. Nothing against it, I’ve just never been a situation where someone else has seriously suggested it. I suppose I would have, if it came up, but the reason I never suggested it myself, was it all seems a bit pressurising. 3 minutes? Is that all? First conversations are all about being cool, suave, unflustered, and witty. How well can you fit those categories when 3 minutes of questions are being fired at you like tennis balls on a Wimbledon training court? I imagine if I were to pause at all to replenish my dry, overworked throat with a sip of water I’d receive a ‘Why are you wasting my time’ glare as intense as bomb disposal. In that kind of pressure-pot situation, I’m expected to think clearly? Not only to give a good account of myself, but also to actually think about, and have opinions of my own on the ladies. As if just concentrating on keeping my limbs still isn’t difficult enough.

Internet Dating

A recurring theme seems to be apparent in the first three most common methods I can think of. When you’re on the pull your mind’s perception has been altered by the addition of alcohol. You can’t be expected to act and to make the same decisions as you can sober. This loss of control and perception when under influence of alcohol, is similar to the influence of pressure when speed dating. You’re not fully aware of the facts, having them altered by your own mind, forcing you to see something, which isn’t there. Similar to the fact alteration imposed by hundreds of thousands of internet dating profiles. “Are you really 26? You’ve got War medals!” or “’Cuddly’? How are you ‘cuddly’?! I can’t even fit my arms around you!”.

Through a friend

A friend is someone you admire, someone you care about, and above all else, who you trust. But this trust should not be applied to the sentence, “My friend’s single, oh my God you’d love her/im!” As it more often than not will have started off as a ploy by your friend’s girl/boyfriend, to get you out of the house every now and again, when they want to have a quiet night in giving each other carpet burns in front of The Piano on DVD.

Supermarket

Don’t be stupid, real life is not a bad American sitcom no matter how hard I used to wish.

House Party

In summation, this is the best way to meet someone, as unlike all the others, I can’t think of any major faults. The crowd is usually a fair mix of people you know, so you’re nice and comfortable. With people you don’t, so there’s still plenty of chance to get talking to someone new. You’ve got more than a few minutes to introduce yourself, possibly a lot more if that introduction goes well. You’re surrounded by your friends so you feel confident, and if you fuck it up you can turn it into a funny joke. You get to see them how they are when they’re comfortable amongst their friends, and really get a feel more than any other first meeting, of what it’d be like to be ‘with’ this person on a more full-time basis.

So, if you’re not spending your time this Valentine’s weekend, wining and dining your partner, or watching a sickeningly wet, calendar specific abomination on 7 rolls of film, then why not start planning a house party?

Valentine’s Special: Love On the Dance Floor - Brought to you by James Wormald -