I'm from The Midlands. Don't worry if you haven't heard of it. This just means you're from somewhere else. Let me break it down for you. This website is called LondonMeUp and takes place in the South of England. This site's predecessor, LeedsMeUp, was based in the North of England.

Now take a look at a map. You see the green area there between Sheffield and Watford? You know, the bit in the middle? Well THAT'S the Midlands, and that's where I'm from. And not just me. Why our very own Nick O'Mahoney is also from there, plus Ross The Gilbs Gilbert, ladies call him The Gilbs. Specifically we're from Nottingham, where they invented Robin Hood and that chav lass off Misfits, but The Midlands is also home to other places you might have heard of because they have airports. Birmingham, for example.

Being from The Midlands is very hard if you're not living there. [It's hard if you are living there too, but in a different, more depressing way] because no matter where else in the country you find yourself, no one will ever acknowledge the existence of your birthplace. Right now I live in London, and so because I don't pronounce it Grahss or Barth everyone just labels me as Northern.

Which I'm fucking not.

When I lived in Leeds during University I was always labelled as Southern.

Which I'm fucking not.

I'm from the Midlands, which is a place that is REAL! The refusal of either the North or the South to give us our due is bullshit. In all fairness to actual Northerners, I've found that Southern types [fairies, nancies... whatever] are much more prone to believe everything that's not London is simply "THE NORTH" and have done with it. Just because it's up from London doesn't automatically make it The North. Fuck me, London is up from Cornwall, but it's not the fucking NORTH is it?

Seems like an undue amount of rage for such a small thing. And it would seem like that to you, you fucking Southerner, because you don't understand how damn annoying it is to have everyone calling you Northern all the time when you're not. For the longest time there were people at work who just naturally assumed I was from Sheffield. WHICH I'M FU... well you know.

One time, a few months back, I was in a swanky South Kensington bar with some chums [Ross was there] when a girl popped across and said she was doing birthday dares and could she have some of our champagne. I was gonna get her to shit off and buy her own friggin' champagne, but Ross was drunk and digs the ladies so he handed her a glass so quickly I'm surprised it didn't turn back into sand. After she'd necked the complimentary booze she stayed to chat, prompting a couple of the people she was with to form a search party and come over to check on her. One of them [this bell-end in a sky blue sweater and shirt combination] was about to leave London forever, he said, to go to University up north. Oh, I thought, interesting. I went to University in the North, I wonder where up north he's going?

Leicester.

I'm told I square up to him, which I don't believe for a second. What actually happened was I got up and very calmly, but firmly, explained to this high hair hugo that Leicester is in fact NOT in the North at all, but in the Midlands.

It's very difficult to come from somewhere that two thirds of the country doesn't believe in. I feel like Mr bastard Tumnus half the time. You listen to me England! If it wasn't for The Midlands, then Sheffield and Watford would be RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!

Is that what you want? HMMM?! IS IT?!

Civil War erupting in 2010 over whether or not the midday meal is called Lunch or Dinner? [it's called dinner].

That's what would happen if not for the very real buffer zone we have created in the Midlands. Do you think Nottingham WANTS to have the highest gun crime rate in the country? Do you think Birmingham LIKES being so shit? Of course not! We're doing it for you, the people of the North and the people of the South. To protect you from each other.

You could be fucking grateful!

Midlands Identity Crisis - Brought to you by Gazz Wood -